Opening Day



Tuesday April 1

I know, I know, most of the teams opened yesterday…but not the Yankees, and until they play…’Major League’ Baseball hasn’t begun

The pinstripers are opening in Houston and it’s on the air right now. Unfortunately, Wendy and I are neither watching nor listening. Instead, we are taking the Final Exam for our ‘Foodsafe Level 1‘ course

We have been doing this course for twenty days now and I am sick to death of it (a Foodborne Pathogen no doubt). We’re taking it online so we haven’t even had a wisecracking instructor to lighten it up a bit with the odd quip. Nope…just a daily diet of dry information. Like eating dirt. So much so, that by day nineteen we were costive

(yeah, that’s right…I said it)

The online course requires the services of an Invigilator

So what the hell is an Invigilator?

It’s an English term for someone whose job it is to ‘watch people taking an exam in order to check that they do not cheat’


Exactly. What am I, Bart freakin Simpson?


“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men”


It must be wholly unrewarding being an ‘Invilligator’ (yeah, i made that word up…it’s much more fun to say)…not one of the three that we contacted even bothered to respond to our query. Finally, we were allowed to select our own

(who was it?)

I’m not currently allowed to disseminate that information to the public at large although I can tell you this much…

They arrived with the long shadows of the early evening (6pm)


I answered the knock and…

…no one was there

(or WERE they)


I didn’t know what to do

“I’m scared Wendle, scared I tells ya”


By the time Wendle was done bitchslapping me back to sanity…they were already in the house


(a fact i acknowledged when i tripped over them)

A disembodied voice said, “Let the games begin”

“Who said that?” I squealed

“I did”, said the voice

“Wh-wh-where are you?”

“Here. There. Everywhere”, said the voice


“Shall we begin.”

And, having uttered those words, the Invigilantestigator sat down and stared at us with eyes unseeing

(actually, i don’t see any eyes at all)


“One Hour Time Limit…Fifty Questions. Begin now.”, said the Invisblemanstigator

Wendy and I could feel the walls closing in around us

Time seemed to both speed up…and slow down


And suddenly…it was over

“How’d we do?” we both asked

The Inhalingator took one final, long and overly dramatic drag off of his Lucky Strike…and said


“It took you twenty three minutes and your grades are 94% and 96%. You are officially Foodsafe”


Oh yeah baby!


Goodnight all

Moose and Wendle


(but what happened to the Inningstigator?)

He returned from whence he had come



And the Yanks lost their opener. To the freakin Astros

(it’s going to be a long season)



2 thoughts on “Opening Day

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